Mother Nature must be colluding with Russians

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By: 

Roger VanHaren

As I’m writing this, it’s April 16, and I’ve just come in from snowblowing 10 inches of heavy, wet snow from my driveway. When I was finished, there was still a 2-inch-thick crust of ice clinging tenaciously to the concrete. It’s just not right to have to be doing that kind of work in mid-April. And I heard there will be more snow coming in the next two days! Whatever happened to April showers that bring May flowers?

I’m beginning to think that maybe Mother Nature (or maybe that stupid groundhog!) are in collusion with Russia. The Russians seem to be to blame for everything else that’s gone wrong in the world; why not the weather?

Let’s consider the groundhog first. Back on Feb. 2 (Candlemas Day), Punxsutawney’s famous groundhog, Phil, was coaxed out his cozy hibernatory hole on Gobbler’s Knob to see if he could see his shadow. If he did, in fact, see his shadow, we would get six more weeks of winter. So, OK, he saw his shadow; that would mean winter should have been over in mid-March, right? So why is that I had get my snowblower out again when I thought I’d put it away for the season?

Maybe it’s time for Robert Mueller to send his team of investigators in to confiscate Phil’s computer to see if he’s been exchanging emails with Vladimir Putin or his cronies. Or maybe he’s got friends at Trump Tower?

Local and area athletes are having a tough time coping with the extreme weather. It’s tough to chase down a flyball when you have to wear snowshoes in the outfield. And the 400-meter run is a lot longer when you’re wearing your L.L. Bean gumboots.

Tennis balls don’t bounce well in several inches of wet snow. It’s just crazy.

Maybe by the time this column hits the press, we will have moved past this nonsense and people will be out chasing golf balls around the pasture and riding their bikes and flying kites.

Marilyn and I like what we call “porch time” – just sitting on the front porch with a book and a glass of raspberry iced tea and watching the world go by. This morning, there was 6 inches of snow on our porch chairs and a 10-inch-deep snow drift across the porch. That ugly old north wind had piled the white stuff right up to our front door.

And like the driveway, the bottom 2 inches was all ice. No porch time today. And to think that on this day one year ago, it was 73 degrees! It’s gotta be the Russians, right?

You know what else is weird? The flock of robins in our back yard have become vegetarians. The normally carnivorous “beacons of spring” cannot find any worms because of the ground still being frozen and covered with snow. So guess what? They’ve joined the chickadees and sparrows and cardinals and juncos at our bird-feeding station. They’re munching on corn, sunflower seeds, fennel and chopped nuts. Very strange!

Contact Roger VanHaren at rjmavh@gmail.com.